Remember: If you slip back a little, please be easy on yourself. It's all part of healing and, after all, you were created with emotions. I wish you comfort and healing.

A comment came in at MiscarriageHelp.com, and it's from a woman named Lorrie who has posted there before. She's extended her warmth and compassion to others who are dealing with the pain of miscarriage, even while trying to heal from her own. Now, she is faced with being diagnosed with Trisomy 15-a rare genetic disorder that typically causes miscarriages and if the baby is carried to term and born, the baby usually dies after birth. How sad...My heart goes out to her. If any of you have lived something like this, please consider offering your experiences at MiscarriageHelp.com. The more support, the better- for all of us.

Peace and blessings to you,

Ellen

Lorrie says:

Hello Ellen,
I've been sitting here thinking about the phone call I recieved today from my doctor. He told me he suggests that we see a genetic counselor because our babies test results came back with Trisomy 15. This is a rare genetic disorder that is fatal. Usually the baby never reaches the end of the first trimester but by chance the baby does, it will die after birth. I've cried so many tears about this. Thankful for atleast having an answer, but yet scared of the answer we got.My heart breaks for this baby because this disorder deforms the facial,cranial,hands and feet.He/she never had a chance. I'm scared to even think of trying again because I feel some ones trying to tell me not to.What if my own selfishness causes a child a lifetime of pain and struggles.I really want another child but I am truely blessed with the two I have. I must get past this issue so I can make the right decision, eventhough I already know what I should decide.I just needed to get this out, thank you
Lorrie

Ellen says:

Dear Lorrie,

I am so sorry for the news, and for your losses. I know having the answer does not ease the pain of your miscarriages, and now you've got an issue to absorb that must be quite painful and shocking.

Even though it doesn't change the grief and pain of your miscarriages, I, too feel you are blessed with the two children you have. After hearing of this genetic disorder, Trisomy 15, I believe your two little ones are miracles God wanted you to have.

I know you are aware of the decision you have to make, and I can't imagine the pain you're experiencing because of it. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Also, I know how much you long for another child. I'm not forcing any of my beliefs on you, but want to share this with you: I've wanted to adopt since I was about five. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to adopt, and it's a funny thing because the feeling I was meant to began as soon as I knew people adopted babies and older children. Some have even referred to people like myself as having the 'adoption gene'. Over time, I've realized that whether I had a child biologically or not, I'd still want to adopt. That's just me and we are all different. However, I thought I'd throw it out there because something inside told me to.

I know you have so much to think about and need time to heal after hearing of this genetic disorder, just as we need time to grieve after a miscarriage.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. There's an inner strength in you, in all of us, and I know it will help guide you through this.

Take care of you, and when you feel overwhelmed, know there are many of us, myself included, who care about you and what you're going through very, very much.

Blessings to you and yours,
Ellen

I pray today finds you feeling stronger. When you're feeling sad, please try to remember to look up- not down, if that's your inclination.

A comment came in at MiscarriageHelp.com from Heather who just suffered a miscarriage. She feels like so many of us do, and also asks about Heaven. She believes that her baby is in Heaven, but wants to know if there's a bible verse anywhere that supports her belief.

While my faith in God, (The Creator, The Divine, The Source), is very strong, I am not a bible expert. However, after doing a bit of research, I believe I found a couple of websites that will provide great comfort- to Heather, to you, and to me.

Many blessings to you,

Ellen

Heather says:

Dear Ellen,

I just had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago today. The first doctor's visit went badly, and we worried, but were optimistic. The second visit a week later was awful. The doctor told ud to come back in a week, but barring a miracle, we would lose our baby. The next week, my baby was gone. It was not even in the gestational sack anymore. I couldn't bring myself to have the D&C because at that point my bloodwork was good, and everything should have been fine according to it. Two days later I began to spot, and the following Sunday I hemmoraged. I am doing fine now physically, and I am getting better emotionally a little along. I have a great family and great friends. My husband is the one I worry about. He is making progress too though. He has agreed to go to a Griefshare Bible Study. The biggest problem I have is dealing with other people who are pregnant. My due date was supposed to be March 7th. It seemes like everyone I know is pregnant. My niece is due in Feb. My cousin's wife is due in Feb. My cousin is due March 14. My co-worker is due March 4th. It is hardest to be around her. I know I have a bad attitude, but she's been married for like five minutes and I've been married for five years. I know it is wrong of me to be jealous, and I try to be really nice. I feel so guilty for thinking bad thoughts. I really don't begrudge her her baby, I just wish I had mine back. It is so hard to see these people. I am happy for them, and I want to be supportive and solicitous of them, but evertime I try to talk to them about their babies, I end up rushing from the conversation as inconspicuously as I can so I can go somewhere to cry. I'm afraid that it will get worse as they get bigger. How do you get on with the rest of your life when it seems like everyone around you is a reminder of what you no longer have? Also, is there somewhere in the Bible that will tell me what my baby looks like? Does it have a body? Does anyone read to it, sing it songs, kiss it's face? I know my baby is taken care of, but I can't visualize it's life in Heaven. That is really hard for me. If you have any of those answers I would be so grateful. Plus please pray for my friend. She is six weeks from delivering, and the doctor just discovered that she has a cancerous growth on her ovary. She sees a specialist tomorrow to find out how they are going to safely remove baby and growth to keep both mom and baby safe.
Today is the day I found out about your book. I look forward to getting it, and reading it. It sounds like sharing your experiences has helped a lot of other women deal with their grief.

Thank you,

Heather

Dear Heather,

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling pain, jealousy, confusion or guilt-when so many around you are pregnant. I felt the very same way. I felt joy for these women, but my heart screamed out for my own baby. For some time after my miscarriage, I'd have to quietly step away from a baby shower, women who were pregnant, and simply going to my OBGYN for my annual exam caused pain. There were (are) so many pictures of babies on her office walls with letters from grateful parents.

It seemed I saw pregnant women EVERYWHERE. My mind always went to this question: Why not me?

Only God knew, and right now you may believe that, but your heart still must grieve. I believe it's how we were created. In time, the grief turns into a quiet acceptance that our baby is safe in the loving arms of God and we begin to move forward with our lives.

Do we forget our baby or babies? No way. Are we expected to? I don't think so, and even if we were, it'd be like asking the impossible.

Example: My parents lost my brother, David, when he was nearly two. My mother was seven months pregnant with me. 41 years later, do you think they've forgotten David? Of course not. It took time for them to feel 'normal' again, but they were changed by their experience of deep loss, just as you, me, and all the women here, (men too), are. And they know, especially my mother, David is in Heaven. I know it too, and you'll see that in my book.

Do all these feelings make you or I a bad person? No. I don't believe that for a minute. You are grieving-just as I was. Of course you miss your baby. You were already in love with your little one the moment you found out about his or her existence.

Support, love, compassion, empathy from others, and your deep faith will carry you through this difficult time of healing. It's never easy, and I know you're aware of that as you struggle with your grief. Please allow yourself the time you need to get through this. Be gentle with yourself. You're a woman who has lost her baby to miscarriage. This IS a big deal, a tremendous loss, and you've every right to grieve. Grief often encompasses so many emotions-including feeling like others have what you want so much- a baby to hold and love with all your heart.

Take it from one who couldn't get down the baby food isle at a supermarket without crying, or coming VERY close to it.

You sound like your faith is very strong and deeply rooted. Where you are searching for some answers to help you with your pain from the Bible, I've found a website that I pray you'll find helpful.

The name of this page is:
Is My Baby in Heaven?
Heavenly Visions, Theological Insight, Bible Help

Christian help, hope and comfort when grieving the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or infant death.

The URL is:
http://www.therefinersfire.org/babies_go_to_heaven.htm

I also found this page on one of Marnie Pehrson's site, She Love's God. Marnie is a wonderful woman who graciously contributed her story of miscarriage to my book, I Never Held You. On one of her websites, http://shelovesgod.com, there's a woman who writes of her experiences, etc., after miscarriage and of angels, etc. I think you'll find some comfort through her words, too.

"Babies Do Go To Heaven" by Connie Ard
Here's the URL:
http://www.shelovesgod.com/library/article.cfm?articleid=3140

Heather, you come back here whenever you want. I am glad you found us, although I wish you didn't have to. My heart & thoughts are with you, as are my prayers. All the women here care about you, your loss, your struggle. We understand the depths of your pain and together, we connect in a very powerful, supportive way.

God Bless You,
Ellen

PS-Your friend is in my prayers, too.

May this Sunday find you a bit stronger, with a feeling of hope- even if it's in the distance.

A comment came in at MiscarriageHelp.com from a woman named Cindy. Although her comment is brief, it's message is powerful: If you need help after miscarriage, please get it. I'm paraphrasing, but believe me when I say from my own experience that seeking out help was one of the best things I did for myself. It wasn't even due to my miscarriage. It was because I was getting divorced and felt like the world was ripped out from under me. Only two years after I lost my baby to miscarriage, my husband wanted out. I was like a champaigne bottle shaken so hard it was ready to pop.

When I started my one-on-one talk therapy, it was supposed to be about my divorce. Well, it was, but soon turned into talking about my miscarriage. Even though I did have a wonderful support system after my miscarriage, so many feelings were still pent up inside. Feelings of guilt, sadness, grief, depression, self blame, and constant thinking about all the 'what ifs' in the world ate away at me, day after day.

If you feel you need help, I say to you it is far better to seek help than to remain in a very scary, lonely place after miscarriage. If you are stuck, you CAN get 'unstuck'. That doesn't mean forgetting your precious baby. It means being able to move on with your life while grieving for, and remembering your baby. Miscarriage changes you, and you can't change that. However, we can grieve and live. I heard something like that from a Wayne Dyer CD I have, and it really struck home.

Blessings to you all,

Ellen

Cindy says:

My name is Cindy and in May of 2001 I lost my baby to a gene disorder...I was almost 19 weeks. This baby was the answer to all my prayers, my husband and I had been married 5 yrs and felt it was time. I remember the morning like it was yesterday, the fear and the look on my doctors face when he had to tell me he couldnt find the heartbeat. It has been 6 yrs ago and a divorce later and I still greive everyday, my marriage fell apart I was so withdrawn and lonely and I hated God for doing this to me. So if anyone out there is struggling plz take my advice get help, because if you continue to try and do it yourself you too will end up in my situation.

Saturday, September 15, 2007 10:40:41

Dear Cindy,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the struggles you've been through since.

I commend you for getting help. Many people, including myself, find the pain of miscarriage too much to carry. It's scarier to stay in that dark place after miscarriage than to seek help.

You and I both ended up miscarrying and getting a divorce. I certainly have walked a path similar to yours. I can't say my miscarriage was the reason for my divorce, but my husband at the time and I certainly didn't grow closer as a result. You probably felt so distant and unsupported-as I did.

Some people have wonderful support systems around them, and I am so happy for them. I did, too. My family and friends were terrific. The reason I sought help was initially for my divorce.

I ended up spilling out my feelings of grief, pain, etc., over my miscarriage.

To all of you who read this, what Cindy says is so true: if you need help, please seek it. She is letting you know that if you're feeling like her, (we all react differently), you don't have to go it alone. Cindy doesn't want you to feel as she did.

And to Cindy, I pray you are progressing on your path. I know it's tough. I still grieve my baby and it's been about sixteen years. But, I've accepted the grief as part of my life. I know I'll always miss my baby, as you will. Over time, I've learned to take my pain and turn it into something like this website and my book. We all can reach out to others WHEN OR IF WE'RE READY. There's no time frame, here. Your healing after miscarriage and feeling happy, whole and complete is what's most important.

That doesn't mean you'll ever forget your baby or stop grieving the loss of your baby.

Look at me- I never stopped actually missing my son. But, my days became full of hope over time, more than tears. I began to enjoy my days over time, instead of just 'getting through them.'

We are all here for you, Cindy, and thank you for your words of wisdom. I wish you many blessings, and know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ellen

Share your feelings and gain support at MiscarriageHelp.com

As said in the comment below from MiscarriageHelp.com, I awoke very early this morning. The first thing I do when I get up, (after getting my coffee and taking my sweet dog out), is check MiscarriageHelp.com to see if any comments came in. It's one of my priorities. YOU are one of my first priorities.

I felt I was meant to read Karen's comment as early as possible. Perhaps that's why I couldn't sleep. I don't know.

Her words form such a painful story. One full of loss and emotional abandonment. Yet, I find her to be inspiring. Her strength is clear, as is her grief.

Blessings to all of you. And please remember, you are all welcome to share your feelings at MiscarriageHelp.com.

Ellen

Karen says:

Ladies,

I wish this site had been around five years ago, when I went through what turned out to be the first of six miscarriages.

My story: I am blessed to have a daughter, who I got pregnant with before my husband and I were married. That caused strife between me and my mom, even though I was 30 at the time. By the time I gave birth to my daughter, my mother died, I got married, we moved 3,000 miles and both took new jobs (where we were closer to our families). And through all of that, my daughter was healthy and whole. Four years later we decided to try to have another child. I got pregnant easily, just as I did with Emily. Eight weeks in, I started spotting. I went to the ER and the ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat, and I could see the baby's arm moving. We went home, and three days later the bleeding was worse. Another trip to the ER and I could tell from the look on the technician's face that something was wrong. I'll never forget the doctor's words: The fetus is no longer viable. I was shocked. This happens, they told me. It's not uncommon. Wait a few months and try again, my doctors told me. I waited six months. Pregnant again. Eight weeks later, on Easter morning, I walked into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for a family event and discovered the blood. The rest of that day was spent in the ER. I was devastated, shaken to the core. My husband, who'd been wonderful the first time, withdrew completely and refused to discuss it. My family told me to get over it, move on. I had no one to turn to except my therapist, and that only helped so much. Reaching out to friends eased it only a little. I needed my husband and my family and they deserted me.

When I found myself pregnant again a few months later, I told no one. Not even my husband. I couldn't stand the thought of getting attached to the baby only to lose it, and I couldn't deal with anyone else's reaction. Eight weeks in, same result.

I waited a year. Tried to get myself to go in for testing and emotionally wasn't ready. I got pregnant again and went to the doctor immediately. He gave me a progesterone supplement and I took baby aspirin. And I prayed every moment. Eight weeks and it was over. I went through testing after that one. No deformities to my uterus. Nothing wrong with my progesterone levels, nothing visibly wrong with the lining of my uterus. Some suspicion of a clotting issue, but not a 100 percent certainty. Six months later, I tried again. Add Lovenox (heparin) to the other stuff. I was a walking pharmacy. I was extra-careful about getting rest, about what I ate, about drinking lots of water. I had weekly ultrasounds. And when the last one showed the heartbeat was gone -- the tech in my doctor's office hugged me and said, "I am so sorry" -- and Baby No. 5 was gone, I went into an enormous depression. My husband was no emotional support at all. I wasn't on speaking terms with my family because the earlier desertion resulted in a deep break between me and them that exists to this day. I was closing in on 40, and wasn't sure I could go through any of it again when we had no answers why. When No. 6 happened, it was like No. 3: I realized I was pregnant, but said nothing, and just went on with life as best I could. My daughter needed me to be present, and during No. 5 I wasn't. I had just turned 40, and my attitude by that point was if it was meant to be, it would survive, and if not, so be it. That pregnancy didn't even make it to 8 weeks.

I am 18 months removed from No. 5 now, and it's taken me much of that time to let go of the hope of having another child. I always dreamed of having 2 or 3 kids. My daughter often asked (and occasionally still does) about having a baby brother or baby sister. "All my friends have brothers or sisters," she once said to me.

Ellen, as you say, you never forget. Sept. 11 was the 5th anniversary of my first miscarriage. Today is the 4th anniversary of No. 3. Easter continues to be a very bittersweet occasion for me.

But I consider myself a survivor. I talk about what I've been through because I hope it will help someone else who's suffering, who wonders if the pain will ever ease, if they will ever get through the darkness of what they're feeling. You can survive. You can go on. It's not easy. I mourn my babies and I mourn the fact that my daughter does not have a sibling. But I am grateful that I have her and I am trying to raise her to see the joy and the good in all that surrounds us.

Friday, September 14, 2007 21:03:05

Ellen says:

Dear Karen,

I am SO sorry for your six losses. My heart & prayers are with you. I wish this site were around for you six years ago, too.

It's very early in the morning. I slept a little on the chair downstairs, and although tired, found myself getting up after an hour or so in bed, unable to sleep.

Your words were the first thing I read. They had quite a profound impact on me. I believe I was meant to read them when I did.

The road you've walked has certaily been full of loss. I feel your daughter is such a blessing, and you have been able to love and raise her throughout all you've been through- six miscarriages. What a strong person you are. I am sure you had moments when you didn't know if you'd make it out of bed-wondering where the strength would come from. But, you did.

I don't like the fact that pain and grief have become such a big part of your life's journey. I do see, however, that you are still able to see joy in life- especially in and about your daughter.

Support is SO vital when a woman miscarries. You know this all too well. You didn't feel it from your husband, your family, etc. I am so sorry there wasn't at least one person who truly understood your pain, your heart, your reasons for grieving. I wish there were someone there who reached out time after time and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? Do you want to talk? Can I help?"

Compassion goes a very long way, and you found the ability within yourself to go on- never forgetting your babies- but over time becoming more able to enjoy life again.

You found the joyful part of life amidst your pain and healing.

I feel you're an inspiriation, and I thank you for sharing your heart with us.

I, all of us here, feel deeply for you and hold you in our thoughts. I cannot even imagine living through six miscarriages when one knocked me off my feet. I am certain it's something that does NOT get easier each time it happens. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. You loved your first baby lost to miscarriage as much as you loved your sixth.

Please know you are welcome to come back anytime- everyone here is always welcome all the time.

I wish you all the blessings there are, and pray each day is brighter than the next. As you remember each of your babies on their anniversaries, may you be surrounded by a light that gives you support, comfort, hope and healing.

Ellen

Saturday, September 15, 2007 05:03:22